I want a hamburger.
I want the window in my office to shamefully expose how ugly I am when I study at midnight.
I’m within one word from the final showdown. And I don’t know what that word is. Once I find it, I can pretty much say that I broke the system here in California. That I’m no longer afraid to be alone. It will be easier later on. To start is the hardest part.
I’ve taken insane courseload. I’ve stopped cleaning my room. I ignored most of my friends for weeks. I can say I’m pushing myself to the limit, so that all my pride and self respect will be buried. That will set me free. I already feel I’m much more secure about any social situation. I just don’t care about the outcome. I do what I want. But sometimes I’m just too slow. I wait while others finish talking, and it takes forever. I need speed. I only have like 2 seconds to make a decision, when it comes to real thing. In 2 seconds I must act, in 1 minute I must forget it and be ready for the next one. That’s the timing.
And I still don’t know the word. Is it hamburger? Hamburgueso? if I say that, I’ll just make a fool of myself. Not exactly what I want, but not bad. I want jokes and implications. Also lies, maybe. There are so little jokes out there. So, lies, jokes and implications it is. Think fast. I don’t have any for now. I’m afraid of getting out in the street in rush hour without them.