Many of us find ourselves in this situation (yeah, the following will be guy-specific, sorry gender equalists). Some advice how to improve is also available, but it is often no good. There has been a recent violence in the place where I live, and the murderer has posted a lot of videos filled with anger and frustration about the topic. I feel like writing a belated reply to a person who is expressing these feelings on the web. In fact, I had an idea of addressing the fellow lonely guys long ago, but abandoned it because I was feeling inadequate for the job.
So here it goes. I’m not giving any advice, because who will listen to a not-so-successful speaker. I’m not really suggesting you the ways to cope, that is the job of the counseling. Just trying to understand the situation better.
First, guys often feel that they cannot ‘fit the social’ environment of this or that place. I remember myself saying many times that ‘no girls like me’. Although I hardly felt any hatred for girls in general (come on, they are the stars of our life), I did get angry with certain girls I hardly knew for not paying me sufficient attention or some other absurd reason. A survey is in order, but I feel like at least 20% of guys in a conversation with me expressed dissatisfaction with their personal life, even without being asked about it. Luckily, almost none of them has psychological disorders that turn these feelings into aggression. Most of us do not escalate these feelings, and thus our lives do not ‘turn into a living hell’, they only feel bad at times.
Second, teenagers and young adults do have pride. So if somebody suggests to them to just wait, as if there is nothing they can do about their loneliness, it hurts their pride. If somebody suggests to hang out with not-so-cool-kids, it hurts as well. Actually, social networks and dating services hurt no less – feeling of being evaluated by the number of likes can get very strong during the first year out there/ in the new group. So, before we fully grow up, we are trapped in a cage of pride, and stepping over our pride sometimes means not being ourselves.
I myself sailed through puberty on easy mode: I had a strong support of my family, and a big achievement behind me (a gold medal, whatever). It was long and lonely 8 years, as if I had been deceived: everybody expected me to have outstanding and bright personal life full of adventures, instead I got nothing and questioned myself: is there something wrong with me? Or maybe I didn’t learn something essential for ‘social scene’ during my childhood? By the end of my youth, these questions got partly answered. Thanks to people who tolerated my teenager personality back then! I feel like the answers that I found are not applicable to everyone. Thus I conclude:
A lot of guys face failure on daily basis. Some guys faced failure once and shut in. The more screwed up perception of reality you have, the more situations you identify as failures. The killer had a very screwed up perception of reality. That’s why it’s really important to subject your own thoughts to criticism, and understand yourself better. My few failures are written in this blog. There is really no competition between guys, nobody will take all the girls. I would like to resume writing and cover more details about teenage experiences, as well as some topics of controversy. Meanwhile, we can watch teenagers peacefully expressing their sexual feelings: